Resistance Before Enlightenment
Of course there is no such thing as a happiness muscle. However, just as a muscle raises our hand when we try to raise our hand often we can be happy by simply trying to be. "Wait a minute" you say, "there have been plenty of times that I've wanted to be happy and I couldn't. If everyone could just be happy by trying to be there wouldn't be so many unhappy people."If we have difficulty in being happy when we try to be happy, we can examine where the resistance is coming from. We can listen to our own self talk when it responds to our efforts to be happy. One can learn a lot by doing this. One time I made an effort to try and be happy my response was "I can't be happy because than I would accept things the way they are and wouldn't try and improve my situation". Another time I told myself "Try to be happy", and the answer but "I may lose my job" came to mind. In both these cases the response of our mind is the source of resistance. By trying to be happy we are uncovering the resistance to our happiness. So trying to be happy can be a tool for self diagnosis.
After identifying the source of resistance we must ask whether it is valid. You should ask "Is the resistance telling me something I ought to do something about?" If it is you should make a plan of action to do something about it. The next step is to address the emotional distress it is causing. There are two basic ways to do this. If you have to come up with a viable plan of action you can tell yourself, "I have a plan of action, I will do the best I can and continuing to be unhappy about this won't help." If you have no plan, you can address the emotional distress by telling yourself "I may not be able to change the situation but at least I can stop being miserable about it." The final step is to try and be happy again.
Resistance may come from something that is very hard if not impossible to change. You may be unwilling to accept that and constantly try and think of a way out when there is no way out. Then you're dwelling on a problem without anything positive coming out of it. In fact dwelling on the problem in this case just causes you unhappiness. The best thing you can do in this situation is to try and think about something else and seek happiness elsewhere.
Resistance may come from one's physiology. If all day at the job you have been thinking "I have to rush or else", you won't come home happy. Whatever the physiological changes caused by the unhappiness and anxiety at work are, they probably won't go away instantly when you get home. Just trying to be happy might not work in that case. The solution then is to change your thinking at the job so that when you come home, just trying to be happy does work.
One recent experience I had which illustrates some of these points was when I came home with a feeling of shame one day. I tried not to feel it but I felt it anyway. I knew that shame felt under the category of low self esteem so I asked myself if I had been attacking my own self esteem during the day. I realize the answer was yes. I had done something foolish and had been self critical about it. I started telling myself positive things about myself to boost myself esteem. I told myself "I respect you", you're terrific and so on. Eventually the shame was gone. A similar situation happened when I had feelings of insecurity and didn't know where it came from. I had been worrying about my job during the day and that fear built up into feelings of insecurity.
The simple effort of trying to be happy can be made more powerful if after trying you say to yourself, I am proud of you for trying. That way you boost your self esteem as well. The boost of self esteem will help make you happier. Praising oneself is a healthy way to improve one's mood and to encourage behaviors in yourself that you want. If for example you want to be friendly to other people, praising yourself when you are, besides improving your mood will help you become a friendlier person.
We can motivate ourselves to be happy. For example if one of our goals in life is to be attractive to the opposite sex we can tell ourselves "You'll be more attractive to the opposite sex if you're happy". There's always a reason to be happy including the fact that happiness is its own reward.
Optimism is an important part of being happy yet we all face threats. How do we deal with this? Do we try and minimize the threats to ourselves? So then how can we be optimistic? For one thing just as we have a happiness muscle, we have an optimism muscle as well. Sometimes we can just try and be optimistic without thinking up reasons to be.
We have the ability to contract and to relax our muscles. Analogously we have some ability to reduce unpleasant emotions simply by trying. We if we're angry, for example, we can try to feel less anger and just doing that sometimes can reduce it.
The standard way of approaching emotional problems is: to try and understand what is causing them and then ask yourself why you feel unhappy, is generally a good first step to trying to deal with it. Sometimes when I ask myself that question, I don't know the answer. I then tell myself, well since you don't know why, you might as well try to be happy. Sometimes as I described above doing that causes resistance and that gives me a clue as to why I'm unhappy. If it doesn't, that's good too, I still am happier than I was before trying to be happy.
We all want happiness in all parts of our being. Although we all logically may want to be happy, many of us have what might be called inner obstacles that prevent us from doing what we need to be happy or accepting it when it is possible. Some of those inner obstacles towards manifesting or accepting happiness are listed below. If you find any of the following familiar, then you will want to work on transforming such beliefs and emotions.
1. I have felt this way (not happy) a long time and do not know what it will be like to be without this emotion. It will be like losing an important part of myself or of my life. (We have become attached or addicted to feeling this way.)
Possible emotions:
- Fear of unknown.
- Fear of being different than I am.
- Fear of not being acceptable to others if I am different than I have been until now.
- Fear of not being accepted by others if I am not like them (unhappy).
- Fear of loneliness if I am happy.
2. I believe that I need this emotion (possibly through anger, depression, injustice, pain) in order toprotect myself from others.
Possible emotions:
- Fear that others want to hurt or use us and thus we need to protect ourselves with anger, depression of hurt.
- Fear that I do not have any other way of protecting myself.
- Fear of not getting what I want if I let go of this emotion.
- Fear that others will not pay attention to me if I am not angry or crying.
3. I will lose my power or control over others. (Perhaps with anger, depression or dissatisfaction.)
Possible emotions:
- Fear that I won’t, in any other way, be able to get what I want from others.
- Fear that if I do not control them, they will control me.
- Fear that I will lose my self-worth (or something else important to me) if I do not control others.
4. I will lose others’ attention if I do not have this emotion.
Possible emotions:
- Fear that others will not pay attention to me if I do not have these emotions.
- Fear that I do not have anything worthwhile about myself for others to be interested in.
- Fear that if I do not have others attention, then I will have no self-worth.
- Fear of loneliness.
5. I will need to take responsibility for my life.
Possible emotions:
- Fear that I am not capable to handling life on my own. Thus better to be «not well» and thus not be able to try to make it in life. Not trying means not failing.
- Fear of loneliness.
6. I will need to be happy — something which scares me.
Possible emotions:
- Fear that if I am too happy, something bad will then happen.
- Fear that if I do not need others and am happy, I will lose their attention.
- Fear that if I am not a victim, I have no self-worth.
- Fear that I might annoy someone or make them unhappy — perhaps they will feel demeaned of jealous if I am happy
- Fear that others might consider me to be silly or not serious of I express joy.
- Fear that happiness and joy might be against what God wants from me. (Perhaps a lack of respect.)
- Fear that happiness needs always to be balanced with unhappiness.
7. I will have to recognize my self-worth — which also scares me.
Possible emotions:
- Fear that if I believe in my self-worth, I will be egotistical and not good or pure.
- Fear that I do not deserve to believe in my self-worth.
- Fear of the power, which comes from believing in myself.
In connection with these changes or moves, think if there are the following obstacles:
- Are you concerned about what the others will think?
- Do you have attachments to some comforts which stop you from living your life more in accord with your purposes?
- Do you have attachments to exterior sources of security, enjoyment of affirmation which stop you from going on toward your life purposes?
- Is the conviction that you won’t succeed to do, or complete what you want to do, on obstacle?
- Do you lack self-control and will power?
- Do you perhaps have lack of faith to God, to the soul or to spiritual life?
Now make a plan relating to how you will overcome the probable obstacles to the fulfillment of your life’s purposes. When we have decided to make an effort toward self-transformation or self-improvement, we might encounter various types of subconscious resistances. Understanding them might help us free ourselves from them and proceed more smoothly and effectively.
Some of us may be caught up in resistance toward what others would like from us. We might have developed rebellious or antagonistic relationships with others, and become determined not to let them have their way or get what they want. Maybe we don’t want to allow them to believe they might be right about something they are asking us to do. So even though we want to make a positive change in our lives, we subconsciously refuse to do so in order to make sure we don’t give this satisfaction to someone who is trying to pressure us, change us, or who does not accept us as we are. In such cases, we might function in self-destructive ways. Many adolescents go through this stage, occasionally resorting to drugs or other self-destructive lifestyles.
I have seen persons refuse to finish one last course which they need in order to complete their university diploma simply because they do not want to give that satisfaction to their parents who have "suppressed them or rejected them", or as means of making a statement against the "system". Some of us carry this obstacle of rebelliousness with us all the way to the grave. In such a case, we must distinguish between freedom and rebelliousness or reacting. Rebelling or reacting is a form of programming in which we are forced to do the opposite of what others or sometimes even we ourselves want. We are not free in such cases to do what is truly in our best interest, but rather are forced by our programming to do the opposite of what is asked.
A second obstacle is the inertia of habit. We get locked into habits that then become our familiar reality. We become accustomed to this reality and feel safe in it even when it is painful or self-destructive. For many people, familiar suffering and limitation are preferable to unfamiliar happiness and freedom. Many of us prefer to stay in the narrow confines of the familiar and known, rather than risk the freedom of the unknown. Improvement and change mean moving beyond the known. Also, these habits can engage our energy patterns in ways that control our minds without our conscious awareness. For example, we reach for food, a drink or, turn on the TV, zap through the channels, pick up the phone and call someone, all mechanically without being conscious of what we are doing.
We do not consider whether what we are doing is actually beneficial for us or even if it is what we really want to do. When the mind loses its ability to control these unconscious movements, we suffer from compulsive acts and thoughts. Such problems are seldom solved through analysis alone. They require a strong decision and a willingness to endure the pain of withdrawal symptoms by placing ourselves in a situation in which we simply cannot get to what we mechanically desire. Centers for detoxification offer such opportunities.
Twelve step groups consisting of people with similar addictions can also be very helpful. Being in the presence of those who have actually freed themselves from that particular habit, and also with those who still have the habit but have vowed to get free, is a very powerful support mechanism. Perhaps the first and most important step in this process is our ability to recognize that we are stuck and to admit that we have, until now, been incapable at overcoming it.
The third main door to freedom is faith in God in whatever form we have come to know him or her in this incarnation. Developing a relationship with the Divine (each according to his own beliefs and perceptions) is a very powerful solution for realizing and then breaking habits. This relationship offers us feelings of protection, support and love. We also sense a deep inner caring coming to us from this Universal Being, who will never betray us. This love relationship is our only lasting and invulnerable one. The security and self worth which we receive from this relationship will allow us to go beyond the needs that are at the root of our addictions. Find a place where you can live for a time without having access to your habits. Seek membership in a group of people who are working on the same problem. Develop your relationship with the Divine.
Some questions which might help us with this are:
- "How would I express my goal at this point? What is it that I want to change, create, attain or transform first? What do I want to act on first?"
- "Why have I chosen this? Why is it important for me? How do I hope to benefit from this change or effort? How is my life less pleasant by not making this effort?" Establishing why we want to make these changes produces the awareness, motivation and momentum to develop the necessary discipline.
- "How do I plan to start? What will be my first step?" Here we want to reach as specific an answer as possible. "I will begin to love myself more," is not a specific answer. More specific is, " I will offer myself a massage once a week."
- "When exactly will I do this and where? Can I be more specific about days or dates?" Now we are being asked to commit ourselves to a more specific plan.
This goes on week after week until we have accomplished our goal. Then we ask these same questions about the next step. When we have not accomplished what we set out to do, we must simply work through it again with self-acceptance, patience, perseverance and determination.